My Journey with MTV's Jersey Shore!

When I was in middle school MTV began producing a show called "The Real World". I watched the first season, which was a fairly accurate depiction of a few select people trying to live together in a sweet house, while drinking nightly to lower their inhibitions and make some bad decisions in the hot tub (the best shows have hot tubs).

I stopped watching after that season because the subtleties died. Its no mystery what will happen when you cram a house with a clan member, african american, right wing gay- hater, flamboyant queen, devil worshiper, and bible beating christian who sees jesus in her toast. The psychological nuances of interpersonal relationships became a common day 'bread and circus' which I protested. However, the demon reality seed was planted, and MTV launched several more abhorrent reality shows throughout the years, each one more predictable than the next.

I thought, given the summary of my feelings on the matter, that I had a stance on reality TV. I stood far away from it and mocked those of lesser intelligence who followed it. That is until, MTV's Jersey Shore came into my life.

It was a regular Sunday, over at my good friends the Parkers, awaiting a day of movies, burritos, and too much wine with the girls. I took my seat on the couch and patiently waited for the end of the show they were in the middle of so we could watch a chick flick.

And then I saw them...Seven people on screen looking the shade of burnt oranges, drinking something that looked like cough syrup, and swearing so much that you could not even make out the full sentence over the beep-outs. I found myself mesmerized. A combination of the accents, cursing, tattoos, hairspray, implants, juiced muscles, and general skin tone created a vortex of ghetto that tantalized my senses. I wanted to be right there with them- wearing rhinestone clothes, doing cartwheels in a thong and pumping my fists. And just when I didn't think it could get better, they started to beat the shit out of people during a bar fight. It was inexplicable, unreasonable, irrational, and against my better judgement- the stuff of epic romance. I was in love.

And like people in deep infatuation- I found I could not stop talking about them. The emotionally stunted relationship between Sam and Ronnie, PaulyD's Caddilac tattoo and 20 minute blowout hair, Snookies self loathing and pickle sucking, J-Wows left hook, Vinnys take on life and EVERYTHING about Mike "the situation". It seems Jshore has taken a different route. Instead of cramming in people with differences- they have played on the one commonality of "Trash as Royalty" and what is left is a race to the throne for our viewing pleasure.

Where did this come from? How did this phenomenon take place? Perhaps it just brings to the surface the reality that we all have a little bit of Jshore in us. Maybe deep down, we too want to bumpit our hair, tan till we look like human handbags, dance like we know how, and cut a bitch when she messes with us. Watching these seemingly regular average people is like watching your regular average self...all hopped up on your trashiest of tendencies. And in the most counter-intuitive way, it feels AMAZING!

And so, I call you to action. Come and watch the first show worth the hype that MTV has produced since 1992. Not because its smart. Not because its witty. Not because you will be a better person for it. But because it is entertaining! Lets put aside House, mute NPR, shut off CNN online, and put down the Wall Street Journal. For the next 60 minutes lets watch the mutants dance off at "Sleaze Side Heights". Let's learn the slang and "situations" that will rocket us into our own pop culture whirlwind and not be ashamed!

Time to GTL. Peace.

World Series 2009- the night New England watched House re-runs

There is an age old philosophical question- If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is there, does it make a sound?

I will pose that to you with a different twist- If the Yankees won the World Series, and nobody watched it, did it even happen?

The answer is- probably. And while many in Philly and Boston are bitter and jaded by the overpaid, over hyped, under worked, heartless team located in NYC- I suppose it is time to congratulate them.

I'm not going to discuss key points of the game, or their season. I'm not going to call their players names, or say Jeter likes man-ass, or Arod is a little bitch who eats steroids on his breakfast cereal. Clearly, I'm above such nonsense. I will however say this- the only thing the Yanks remained consistent on is their increasing budget. They have proved that eventually, money might buy you a win.

Its a lack of Team that bothers me about the Yanks and always has. I know people may say I am bias on this, but watching a team like the Yanks win this series is just not as cool as say, the '04 "cowboy up" attitude and unity that the Sox had winning theirs. In my opinion, watching the Yankees play is about as thrilling as watching an accountant do my taxes.

The Yankees back stab each other. They talk shit in press conferences about their teammates. Torre wrote a book about the shenanigans in NY. They violate the code of sportsmanship with each other. Each one of them is an entitled, self serving player. They are the boys of summer turned men of business on the ball field. The Yanks, for years now, never let people forget, this is their job. In general, the entire organization has forgotten how lucky they are to play the great game of baseball for a living.

And so, while New England channel surfed last night, the NY Yankees finally became contenders again. The price? About a billion dollars over the years and the sacrifice of Americas past time. And while something tells me they won't have it in them to keep the wins consistent next year, may the best team, be the best.

And ps- Arod likes dick. :)

I don't care who you are....midgets are funny

So, I'm sitting on the sofa the other night, flipping through my new series of HD channels, and come across a show on TLC that features a "little person" (midget) who's regular sized mom is taking horseback riding. Mom is on a regular horse- Midget is on a "dwarf pony". I proceeded to laugh till I nearly peed my pants.

I'd like to speak a bit about the emerging trend lately that midgets (aka dwarfs, funny lil' bastards) are people with feelings. I'm kidding, of course...mostly.

I'm going to go out an a limb here (albeit a short one, haha, get it?) and say I am am tired of the whining that is happening with the little people in the world! So you were born small. So yours is a background and culture of circus people and the lollipop guild. When did we become SO PC in this country that little people lack a sense of humor? You are FUNNY! Everything about you is funny! From your tiny hands to your oddly regular sized heads.

Now, I know- I have lost some of you here. I assure you, I try to do my part in not being a total A-hole. I don't watch Little People Big World because I know its not "supposed" to be funny. I have fought the urge to hire midgets for my annual St. Pattys Day Bday party and have them dress as leprechaun and hand out fake gold to my guests (although, never say never). And I do not go out of my way to seek them out and cackle at them (because it is very hard to find the support group locations online).

If I were a "little person", you can bet your normal, regular sized arse that I would not be crying about my lack of equality, the height of a urinal, the placement of doorknobs or motion detectors. I'd have a sense of humor about it for the sake of Christ! If little people don't understand that they are funny without trying to be- what kind of a world are we living in?!

Mini me, that dude from Jackass, all of munchkin' land, Snow White's posse, Santa's workshop- these people have it MADE! It's like they get to be awesome without even trying and we have to sit there and hear about what a difficult life they have? God even made them dwarf ponies to ride! Shit- the guy from Elf was even kind of good looking! Cirque de Solei has an open invite for them to be in the shows! Boo-Hoo...tough life!

So, in closing, good things come in small packages. To the midgets of the world, I say own it. People don't want to hear you bitch and cry that you are tiny. They want to see you dance because dancing midgets are HILARIOUS. So dance, little person, dance as much as those stubby legs will allow. And thank you for bringing me joy.

Pitiful

Pitiful- Synonyms- ineptitude, inadequacy. This is how I am feeling about my blogging as of late. About to make a conscious effort to be better. Read on...read on.

Apparently some things you just don't get from book learnin'

Philip Markoff has shocked the nation-especially the east coast- as the blond haired, blue- eyed, all American dream boy who has been charged with the craigslist robberies and killing of a "masseuse" in a back bay hotel.

No doubt, these crimes are terrible and the victims deliberately chosen as members of society that will be unable to have a voice or go to law enforcement for help. As for the punishment- that's between Markoff and the law. But it still begs the question- How the FUCK is a BU med student THIS dumb?!?

Boston University Medical School...A program that requires a mean 4.0 gpa and top test scores- Accepts a dip shit that collects the underpants of his victims, texts from the crime scene, leaves a fingerprint, still has the gun, and my favorite- has NO conception of the fact that in a HOTEL there are likely security cameras in the hallways, stairwells, at all exits, and in the elevator's.

I mean, you have to be crazy to shoot an Innocent woman three times at close range- but do you have to be stupid too? This "star" student logged hours upon hours in labs and libraries and does not understand basic evidence 101?

This is by no means advocacy that Markoff had done a better job. Personally, I think those who prey on the disadvantaged of society (meaning people unable to get help or advocacy) should fry. But come ON. A little law and order? CSI- Miami? Cold Case files?

This is a simple case of either mental retardation- in which case I think BU Medical should probably raise the bar a little bit. Or this dude was just arrogant enough to really think that nobody would pin it on the rich over- privileged white boy.

I'm glad his fiancee called off the wedding. I think the only honeymoon this kid will be having is in the slammer with a huge degenerate criminal nicknamed "Drill".

McNugget woman is my hero!

If someone steals your money- do you call the police? Most would say yes.

I find more and more that the news media is becoming the quintessential slippery used car salesman of society. Headlines are misleading, people misrepresented, and the spin is always bias. It seems in an attempt to gain popularity and readership, the media will stop at nothing- even sacrifice the innocent for a good spin.

Case in point- Latreasa Goodman is currently being painted the crazy lady from Florida who called 911 because McDonald's was out of McNuggets. Headlines mock her, people chastise her, and I was ready to get a good laugh out of her myself...until I read the story.

The media, in short blurbs and headlines, would have you believe this lady called the cops because McDonald's didn't have nuggets. Only when you read down to the 6TH paragraph of most news stories do you see what really happened- that McDonald's TOOK her money after she ordered McNuggets- only to then tell her they didn't have them -and then refused to refund her money and tried to make her order something else on the menu.

"The manager just took my money and won't give me my money back, trying to make me get something off the menu that I don't want," Goodman said in one of the 911 calls. "I ordered chicken nuggets. They don't have chicken nuggets, and so I told her, 'Just give me my money back,' and she tells me I have to pick something else off the menu. She is not going to give me my money back, and she don't have the right to take my money."

"If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one."

Goodman told WPBF News 25 that she didn't "have a right to jump across the counter and snatch the money, so chose to handle it another way."

This is not about chicken McNuggets. This is about theft. This lady gave $6 for a product and then was not refunded when the product was not available. That is unacceptable. When she called 911- they did not direct her to the non- emergency line. Instead they did not help her so she could further become a laughing stock.

So what do we do as a society? We blame her for the fact that a corporation stole her money. We mock her for going against her baser instincts to jump across the counter and take her money out of the register (for which she would have been arrested) and laugh at her for being so concerned about her hard earned 6 dollars.

Should she have called 911? There were absolutely better ways to go about it. But this lady felt robbed and there was nothing she could do about it. For her- 911 meant involving the police. Because when you are victimized- the police are supposed to help.

I stand behind Goodman and I look down on the Media once again. The news media should be an outlet to uncover injustice- not perpetuate it.

"When you feel that you've been mistreated or misused or robbed out of your money, you have the right to call 911," Goodman said. "That's the purpose of 911, so I thought."

You're my hero of the week Latreasa Goodman!

Blast from the past- my Vday blog from 2006

Tuesday, January 24, 2006
F-U Saint Valentine!Current mood: productiveCategory: Life

Well its that time of year again. You can tell. A mood sweeps across the nation right around this time . You find yourself wondering when hearts came back in style and why retail stores insist on draping everything in pepto- bismal pink. Then it occurs to you...It is Valentines Day season.

There it is, plain as day. So many shades or pink and red you swear you have gone colorblind, or at least that the rest of the world has because you know full well pink and red clash and should not ever be displayed together (note the blog color scheme). Shelves are stacked with candy that is 50% pure sugar and 50% monosodiumphenophenotalbicarbonate. And everywhere you go, a fat, naked, little winged creature is holding a bow and arrow...mocking you.

I am Anti-Valentines Day ( in case you didn’t gather from the subject of this blog). And to all you people who are pro Valentines day, well I say F-U TOO! And I am also all done with the people who say "Ohh But you are in a relationship this year, so you can't hate Valentines day!" Excuse me, but just because I am in a relationship on February 14th, 2006 does not mean that years of VDay TRAUMA are magically erased from my brain! It is people like you- you sick lovey dovey bastards that make the world the terrible place it is today.

I am sure you were the ones, the people in the jewelry stores, and the dress shops, and buying outfits and making dinner reservations, getting roses and (gag me) carnations, going away for the weekend like this is some long awaited holiday that we should all respect and cherish!
Well I was doing a little bit of different shopping whilst you were choking down a candy heart (that NOBODY really likes by the way) I was with the rest of the singles for years, being shady while we purchased things like rope, tarp, lye, cyanide, razorblades, Jack Daniels, shovels, duck tape, fishing twine, valium, and poison Ivy. You didn't know what we were doing with the goods. And you didn't ask either...The foreboding, distant look in our eye was enough to send you screaming back to your 88 pound boy-toy, who was currently at the wal-mart counter buying you an ugly teddy bear and a cubic zirconia bracelet. You lucky lady.

Bitter? Yes. It all started on Valentines day 2000 when we had to put my beloved childhood cat Oreo to sleep. Follow that up with YEARS of unrequited love, not to mention the very bad ruby incident of 2002. After that it was Februarys filled with darkness and evil, being haunted by the seemingly happy blissful couples, sent by Satan to remind you that you are alone, rejected, and miserable.

My response? FUCK Valentines Day. Not just when you are single. But FOREVER. Do not let couples, marrieds, or Hallmark dictate your happiness! Screw Cupid, Screw Saint Valentine, and screw all of the VDay celebrators! It is the pussified American public that continues this mockery of a day, and I am doing my part to put a stop to it!

Thank you for your time!