Wall Street smells like Patchouli

And now for something surprising.

I don't like Wall Street. I don't like the bailout. I don't like they way they all bitched this up and now they want the power back. It's like a teenager wrapping a car around a tree and asking to borrow the rental three days later. Slow your roll, morons. Capitalism is not and should not be synonymous with Greedy Motherf*ckers. I don't like Wall Street. But you know what I like less?

Those god damned protesters.

I know, I generally am all in favor of a protest. But these people are giving us Liberals a bad name. And frankly, if they are turning me off, they are in some trouble. I should be proverbaly blowing them...and still may. If they take my advice and change the following:

1) Get a cohesive missions statement and reason for occupation of major financial districts. Idiots, the point of "occupying" should not be because you have nothing better to do because you lack occupation. What are you doing there? What do you hope to gain? What is your end goal? If nobody knows the answer to these questions and you are not all answering them all the same...go home. Nobody ever accomplished shit in such a disorganized fashion.

2) If you are under the age of 25 and have never held a job or made a payment to a loan, please take your signage and get in before curfew. After gainfully employed and not living with mom and dad, you may wager an opinion on the matter quietly. Little young people who have never worked and were just doing keg stands last spring should not be speaking to wall street on anyones behalf.

3) Put your acoustic guitar down and cut your hair, you dreadlocked fucking hippie ass lunatic. In marketing we often talk about knowing your audience. Is the understanding that the suits on Wall Street are to take you and your shirts made of hemp seriously? I see you on the news, talking about 800 reasons you are there, singing "He's got the whole world in his hands" and picking bed bugs off each others baja ponchos. You are laughable and a waste of time. Clean it up!

4) Put your weed down and come up with a solution based conversation. Is it just me or are all of you having way too much FUN there? A little less pot and a little more thought into what your end goal is. This is why nobody is taking you seriously. You're not saying anything worth taking seriously. Even in the '60's they took care of the business of a protest first. Why? Because protest should result in desired change.

5) Get better slogans...and signage. C'mon kids. You're on TV. Get it together.

In closing, and in all seriousness, I don't disagree with what I *think* they are trying to do. I disagree with such a terrible approach. With no, dare I say, business tactics behind this- the idea will run out of steam and they will be remembered as a Saturday Night Live joke. They do the Left more harm than good because they are uneducated on the issues and want for different things- some noble, some just as selfish and greedy as the corporations they protest.

Anything worth doing is worth doing right.

Steve Jobs- iLegend

While the death of Steve Jobs saddens me- I have to say, sometimes when an artist dies young, you respect the work just a little more. As I said last night on Facebook, it is a true testament that I found out about his death- on my iPhone.

What I have found interesting over the last day or so, is not that people have been mourning his death- but more that he is not being so much hailed for his iphones and macbook airs. He is being quoted and remembered as a true innovator of life.

When it comes to a legacy, I think its far better to be remembered for how you lived and thought- than for a thing you invented or created.

Some quotes I liked today:

"This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."- Steve Jobs (Commencement Speech, 2005).

"You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life……The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it." - SJobs

High Heels got you Down?

Spring has sprung, and so have the high heels, open toes, and strappy sandals for women and light loafered men everywhere. So- a quick post to clue in the clueless.

You should not rock the open toe stiletto if:

1. You are over 55 years and you look it. Honey, the glory days have gone bye bye. And I get it, it sucks. And I know looking at you, and your varicose veins and your sagging skin that lost all elasticity that someday, I will be in your boat. But do us all a favor, accept your age and place in life and slip on some Dr. Scholls and let us take it from here. Every spring has a winter.

2. You are in the ballpark of 300-350lbs. Have you ever seen way too much ice cream piled on top of a thin little sugar cone? Your first thought is always “damn, that shit is going to topple over”. …That might be enough said there.

3. Your toe-nails look like something you would find on a creature in Middle Earth. There is really no need for humans to have talons. Ladies, trim that shit. And keep in mind your pedicure is always at least 5 feet away- so slap some paint on those babies if you can’t make it in for a pedi. Having said that- make it in for a pedi! Everyone feels better after a soak and sluff and you are no different.

4. When you wear heels, you walk as though you just got slammed up the ass by a stallion stud horse. Yeah, there is no ladylike or delicate way to say this, because that is exactly what it looks like. It’s like this: shoulders back, move the hips, strike at the ball of the foot, and walk like you mean it. If you cannot do that, these are not the shoes for you. I can’t wear a size 2…you can’t wear a stiletto. Life sucks sometimes.

5. You failed to shave…for the better part of a month. People are looking. After they notice, they tell their friends. You know that feeling you get that everyone is talking about you? They are. Take a razor to your gorilla leg. And if you have to question it- wear pants.

6. You are at a sporting event, a picnic, an outing, or something else casual in which heels would be grossly inappropriate. Say it with me Carrie Bradshaw- Flip Flops. Nobody thinks you look cute here. People are either wondering what is wrong with you, or they are feeling bad for you. Women think you look dumb and kind of slutty. Men think you are dumb….and, well, kind of slutty. Essentially you look dumb and slutty. Now, if that is the look you are going for- by all means- forge ahead. If not, switch it on up.

The Tainted Saint (haha...taint)

With the fastest beautification of an individual in modern times occurring this week, it makes me wonder about saints in general. Most of the ones I am familiar with are ancient relics in the Christian tradition. They are prayed to for their particular strengths and will guide you through your life.

I used to think of the saints as God’s assistant managers…Potentially at a company called Heaven, Inc. God is a busy dude, as are most CEO’s. The saints are dispatched because he is probably working on bigger things in the global infrastructure. It makes sense from an organizational standpoint. “Christopher, you have the transportation division.” “Anthony, you are now the VP of the lost and found department.” “Frances, handle livestock…but don’t let me catch you again with those sheep…”

But do saints have a dark side? Pope John Paul II is being hi-fived for his work on trying to unify all religions. To some he was a religious beacon. And a major point of achievement being discussed was his acts of repentment of the Catholic Church for the errors and horrors committed through centuries.
…

Through the centuries? Would that include the 20th? How is the Catholic Church SERIOUSLY ignoring the fact that under this pope, pedophiles who were and are rampant among the priesthood were shuffled around like a deck of cards. The current pope Benedict stated that John Paul was placed on the fast track to saint hood because of the “extraordinary sanctity of his life”.

This is where the Catholic Church kills me. It would be funny if it were not so disturbing and sad. To me, this is yet another example in piss poor communications and zero acknowledgement of wrong-doing that has been tearing the Catholics apart since the break of this scandal. And what an incredible slap in the face to the abuse victims that we are now sainting the man who not only knew about the problem, but contributed to it and had beyond the power to put an end to it.

I am aware this is getting a bit “ranty” (yes, it’s a word). But accountability is not about placing blame. Accountability is about accepting and admitting mistakes and learning from them to ensure they will not happen again. My outrage comes from the fact that the Catholic Church continually and brazenly likes to move beyond the problem, dodge the question, avoid the apology, and remain superior. They are the classic school bully that gets his ass kicked and still tries to terrorize students. Nobody is scared anymore. You are off the pedestal. They dropped a house on you. Be humble, be sorry, show true remorse, and stop being a dick.

Next up for canonization: Jeffrey Dahmer, the unibomber, and the executive team from Enron.

ugh...age

There was a time I spent my Birthdays out, and drunk, no matter when they fell during the week. Now, alas, 49 minutes to go and where am I? Showered, in bed, with anti aging serum on my face, blogging.............Fine, there is a cat in here too. My how things change.

But with age, comes wisdom. In my 29 years I have come to recognize things in myself that I am pretty sure are not changing, no matter the year. Here are a few:

I like boys who open doors for me. While I can be a little less than ladylike and a little more than rough around the edges at times, I appreciate men who show me chivalry is indeed alive and kicking, even if difficult to find.

I hate bleu cheese. I like cheese of all other variety. But the Bleus are my southern republican white trash Christians of cheese. I really don't like them.

I really don't like southern republican white trash christians. I'm not even sorry. I welcome all other race and orientation. I even welcome a different political view. But there are some people who fit a certain bill for me and I simply don't care for it. Blanket judgement? Sure. But this is my blog. Suck it.

I only like Haribro gummy bears. And at that- the original bears of Haribro. No other gummy will do.

I think there is some truth to almost ever conspiracy theory. Marilyn Monroe, JFK, Princess Di, I buy at least 33% of the theoretical circumstances.

Friendships are relationships too. You still have to make sure you are not being an asshole just because you don't bone your friends.

Relationships should be friendships with boning. But still...don't be an asshole.

Cookie dough is better than cookies. No...seriously.

Good steak is meant to be rare of medium. If I ever open a high quality steak house and people ask for well done, I will not serve them the good stuff and instead keep horse meat in the back.

Jesus was a pothead. I'm telling you, the man was a down guy, and I am pretty sure he would not have rolled with the people who are so into him now. He would have rolled with me and my friends, had some drinks, and told us about how the purity festival was lame.

bi WINNING

Charlie Sheen is creating inspiration. Let’s face it. The one liners are worth millions in tee shirt sales alone. I will include some of my “Bi Winners” later in the post. In the meantime, I’d like to discuss other starlets and they also got a bad rep by going banana sandwiches in front of a camera. (list provided by Boston.com)

Alec Baldwin's harsh voicemail to his 11-year-old daughter Ireland in which he calls her a "rude, thoughtless little pig" quickly circulated through the media. PLEASE- If I had a nickel every time I was called out on my bullshit when I was 11! And if I had submitted that shit to the media, I would have been a pig with an ass whooping besides. Princess had it coming- keep in mind what side your bread is buttered on, honey. Alec 1- daughter 0

Isaiah Washington used an antigay slur to refer to costar T.R. Knight in 2006, he upset castmates and forced Knight to go public with his homosexuality. At the Golden Globes, Washington grabbed the microphone to publicly deny his comment. The actor has since issued a public apology and attended anger management classes.- Gay. TR Knight was FORCED to come out? Gay. We all knew he was gay. Gays Anatomy. Here is the chance of a lifetime to man up and demonstrate a thick skin for your GLBT community- and instead you cry like a fairy. Isaiah did TR a favor- and then TR gave his community a terrible look. Isaiah 1- Knight 0

Foxy Brown gained a reputation for her explosive temper, beginning in 1997 when she spat on hotel workers in North Carolina for failing to provide her with an iron. Since then, she's skipped out on court dates, lashed out at manicurists, and thrown shampoo at a beauty salon employee. The rapper's troubles eventually landed her a year in jail.- Listen…when you taste just like Candy, and want to dance, you really need shit to go your way. Rock on Foxy…Rock on. Foxy 1- maids 0

Björk - In 1996, the singer let her temper take over when she attacked a British reporter in a Thailand airport who told her "Welcome to Bangkok." Björk later apologized to the reporter, who did not file any charges. Bangkok…only the funniest place in the world. Kudos to the reporter. But Bjork is no fool. She is an Icelandic singer. What did she sing? No idea. In fact the only way anyone was going to know who she is long term is if she wears a swan dress and cuts a reporter in an airport. Bjork 1- Bangkok 0

Charlie Sheen- This dude is KILLING it. Here he is taking his mental breakdown and not giving a FUCK! He is not really acting out and insulting anyone. He is really more self promoting- and I DIG that about him. His whole deal is “Hey, I’m Charlie Sheen, I take tin cans and make them gold. I have a briefcase full of blow and I’m not afraid to do it off a hookers ass on the Today show. I cured myself with my mind. I have the blood of a tiger. Blow me, America. Smooches”. Charlie 100- haters 0

Enjoy the soundboard:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/soundboards/play/81342498

don't play tag with the bus...

I used to have a 7th grade teacher who used to use the phrase "don't play tag with the bus". I hated her. So did my sister. So did my mom, in fact. She was unaware of her age and the fact that it, combined with her ever expanding ass, made most of what she wore inappropriate.

However, even assholes can provide the occasional bit of good advice- which I think this is. Thus, lets talk about this dude plowing over protesters on bikes in Brazil.

Now, I must admit, I have a bit of a road rage issue. I'm not angry to drive, I love driving. I have a great car and a fantastic musical selection. I get annoyed with idiots. People who lack the understanding of the zipper system for merging onto the highway (you go, I go, you go, I go). Drifters- also a peeve of mine. And while I used to get angry with joggers and cyclists and did not want to share the road- now that I am a jogging moron at night- nearly plowed overall the time, I have developed patience.

What gets me about this dude in the car is his statement after...

"I felt threatened by the cyclists."

....um....really guy? You are in a CAR. Surrounded by reinforced walls, with a motor and a bumper. What is the worst they could have been doing? Blowing Brazilian raspberries at you? Don't be a bad liar. People sympathize more with honesty.

"These people were really irritating me. Who protests on bikes? Like protests were not annoying enough...now they are doing it in spandex with helmets. What are we protesting anyways? We are Brazil. We have soccer, waxed vahoo-hoos and BBQ on a stick by a beach. Who is unhappy here? In short, I ran them down for my country." SOLD!