The Tainted Saint (haha...taint)

With the fastest beautification of an individual in modern times occurring this week, it makes me wonder about saints in general. Most of the ones I am familiar with are ancient relics in the Christian tradition. They are prayed to for their particular strengths and will guide you through your life.

I used to think of the saints as God’s assistant managers…Potentially at a company called Heaven, Inc. God is a busy dude, as are most CEO’s. The saints are dispatched because he is probably working on bigger things in the global infrastructure. It makes sense from an organizational standpoint. “Christopher, you have the transportation division.” “Anthony, you are now the VP of the lost and found department.” “Frances, handle livestock…but don’t let me catch you again with those sheep…”

But do saints have a dark side? Pope John Paul II is being hi-fived for his work on trying to unify all religions. To some he was a religious beacon. And a major point of achievement being discussed was his acts of repentment of the Catholic Church for the errors and horrors committed through centuries.
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Through the centuries? Would that include the 20th? How is the Catholic Church SERIOUSLY ignoring the fact that under this pope, pedophiles who were and are rampant among the priesthood were shuffled around like a deck of cards. The current pope Benedict stated that John Paul was placed on the fast track to saint hood because of the “extraordinary sanctity of his life”.

This is where the Catholic Church kills me. It would be funny if it were not so disturbing and sad. To me, this is yet another example in piss poor communications and zero acknowledgement of wrong-doing that has been tearing the Catholics apart since the break of this scandal. And what an incredible slap in the face to the abuse victims that we are now sainting the man who not only knew about the problem, but contributed to it and had beyond the power to put an end to it.

I am aware this is getting a bit “ranty” (yes, it’s a word). But accountability is not about placing blame. Accountability is about accepting and admitting mistakes and learning from them to ensure they will not happen again. My outrage comes from the fact that the Catholic Church continually and brazenly likes to move beyond the problem, dodge the question, avoid the apology, and remain superior. They are the classic school bully that gets his ass kicked and still tries to terrorize students. Nobody is scared anymore. You are off the pedestal. They dropped a house on you. Be humble, be sorry, show true remorse, and stop being a dick.

Next up for canonization: Jeffrey Dahmer, the unibomber, and the executive team from Enron.

ugh...age

There was a time I spent my Birthdays out, and drunk, no matter when they fell during the week. Now, alas, 49 minutes to go and where am I? Showered, in bed, with anti aging serum on my face, blogging.............Fine, there is a cat in here too. My how things change.

But with age, comes wisdom. In my 29 years I have come to recognize things in myself that I am pretty sure are not changing, no matter the year. Here are a few:

I like boys who open doors for me. While I can be a little less than ladylike and a little more than rough around the edges at times, I appreciate men who show me chivalry is indeed alive and kicking, even if difficult to find.

I hate bleu cheese. I like cheese of all other variety. But the Bleus are my southern republican white trash Christians of cheese. I really don't like them.

I really don't like southern republican white trash christians. I'm not even sorry. I welcome all other race and orientation. I even welcome a different political view. But there are some people who fit a certain bill for me and I simply don't care for it. Blanket judgement? Sure. But this is my blog. Suck it.

I only like Haribro gummy bears. And at that- the original bears of Haribro. No other gummy will do.

I think there is some truth to almost ever conspiracy theory. Marilyn Monroe, JFK, Princess Di, I buy at least 33% of the theoretical circumstances.

Friendships are relationships too. You still have to make sure you are not being an asshole just because you don't bone your friends.

Relationships should be friendships with boning. But still...don't be an asshole.

Cookie dough is better than cookies. No...seriously.

Good steak is meant to be rare of medium. If I ever open a high quality steak house and people ask for well done, I will not serve them the good stuff and instead keep horse meat in the back.

Jesus was a pothead. I'm telling you, the man was a down guy, and I am pretty sure he would not have rolled with the people who are so into him now. He would have rolled with me and my friends, had some drinks, and told us about how the purity festival was lame.

bi WINNING

Charlie Sheen is creating inspiration. Let’s face it. The one liners are worth millions in tee shirt sales alone. I will include some of my “Bi Winners” later in the post. In the meantime, I’d like to discuss other starlets and they also got a bad rep by going banana sandwiches in front of a camera. (list provided by Boston.com)

Alec Baldwin's harsh voicemail to his 11-year-old daughter Ireland in which he calls her a "rude, thoughtless little pig" quickly circulated through the media. PLEASE- If I had a nickel every time I was called out on my bullshit when I was 11! And if I had submitted that shit to the media, I would have been a pig with an ass whooping besides. Princess had it coming- keep in mind what side your bread is buttered on, honey. Alec 1- daughter 0

Isaiah Washington used an antigay slur to refer to costar T.R. Knight in 2006, he upset castmates and forced Knight to go public with his homosexuality. At the Golden Globes, Washington grabbed the microphone to publicly deny his comment. The actor has since issued a public apology and attended anger management classes.- Gay. TR Knight was FORCED to come out? Gay. We all knew he was gay. Gays Anatomy. Here is the chance of a lifetime to man up and demonstrate a thick skin for your GLBT community- and instead you cry like a fairy. Isaiah did TR a favor- and then TR gave his community a terrible look. Isaiah 1- Knight 0

Foxy Brown gained a reputation for her explosive temper, beginning in 1997 when she spat on hotel workers in North Carolina for failing to provide her with an iron. Since then, she's skipped out on court dates, lashed out at manicurists, and thrown shampoo at a beauty salon employee. The rapper's troubles eventually landed her a year in jail.- Listen…when you taste just like Candy, and want to dance, you really need shit to go your way. Rock on Foxy…Rock on. Foxy 1- maids 0

Björk - In 1996, the singer let her temper take over when she attacked a British reporter in a Thailand airport who told her "Welcome to Bangkok." Björk later apologized to the reporter, who did not file any charges. Bangkok…only the funniest place in the world. Kudos to the reporter. But Bjork is no fool. She is an Icelandic singer. What did she sing? No idea. In fact the only way anyone was going to know who she is long term is if she wears a swan dress and cuts a reporter in an airport. Bjork 1- Bangkok 0

Charlie Sheen- This dude is KILLING it. Here he is taking his mental breakdown and not giving a FUCK! He is not really acting out and insulting anyone. He is really more self promoting- and I DIG that about him. His whole deal is “Hey, I’m Charlie Sheen, I take tin cans and make them gold. I have a briefcase full of blow and I’m not afraid to do it off a hookers ass on the Today show. I cured myself with my mind. I have the blood of a tiger. Blow me, America. Smooches”. Charlie 100- haters 0

Enjoy the soundboard:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/soundboards/play/81342498

don't play tag with the bus...

I used to have a 7th grade teacher who used to use the phrase "don't play tag with the bus". I hated her. So did my sister. So did my mom, in fact. She was unaware of her age and the fact that it, combined with her ever expanding ass, made most of what she wore inappropriate.

However, even assholes can provide the occasional bit of good advice- which I think this is. Thus, lets talk about this dude plowing over protesters on bikes in Brazil.

Now, I must admit, I have a bit of a road rage issue. I'm not angry to drive, I love driving. I have a great car and a fantastic musical selection. I get annoyed with idiots. People who lack the understanding of the zipper system for merging onto the highway (you go, I go, you go, I go). Drifters- also a peeve of mine. And while I used to get angry with joggers and cyclists and did not want to share the road- now that I am a jogging moron at night- nearly plowed overall the time, I have developed patience.

What gets me about this dude in the car is his statement after...

"I felt threatened by the cyclists."

....um....really guy? You are in a CAR. Surrounded by reinforced walls, with a motor and a bumper. What is the worst they could have been doing? Blowing Brazilian raspberries at you? Don't be a bad liar. People sympathize more with honesty.

"These people were really irritating me. Who protests on bikes? Like protests were not annoying enough...now they are doing it in spandex with helmets. What are we protesting anyways? We are Brazil. We have soccer, waxed vahoo-hoos and BBQ on a stick by a beach. Who is unhappy here? In short, I ran them down for my country." SOLD!

My Journey with MTV's Jersey Shore!

When I was in middle school MTV began producing a show called "The Real World". I watched the first season, which was a fairly accurate depiction of a few select people trying to live together in a sweet house, while drinking nightly to lower their inhibitions and make some bad decisions in the hot tub (the best shows have hot tubs).

I stopped watching after that season because the subtleties died. Its no mystery what will happen when you cram a house with a clan member, african american, right wing gay- hater, flamboyant queen, devil worshiper, and bible beating christian who sees jesus in her toast. The psychological nuances of interpersonal relationships became a common day 'bread and circus' which I protested. However, the demon reality seed was planted, and MTV launched several more abhorrent reality shows throughout the years, each one more predictable than the next.

I thought, given the summary of my feelings on the matter, that I had a stance on reality TV. I stood far away from it and mocked those of lesser intelligence who followed it. That is until, MTV's Jersey Shore came into my life.

It was a regular Sunday, over at my good friends the Parkers, awaiting a day of movies, burritos, and too much wine with the girls. I took my seat on the couch and patiently waited for the end of the show they were in the middle of so we could watch a chick flick.

And then I saw them...Seven people on screen looking the shade of burnt oranges, drinking something that looked like cough syrup, and swearing so much that you could not even make out the full sentence over the beep-outs. I found myself mesmerized. A combination of the accents, cursing, tattoos, hairspray, implants, juiced muscles, and general skin tone created a vortex of ghetto that tantalized my senses. I wanted to be right there with them- wearing rhinestone clothes, doing cartwheels in a thong and pumping my fists. And just when I didn't think it could get better, they started to beat the shit out of people during a bar fight. It was inexplicable, unreasonable, irrational, and against my better judgement- the stuff of epic romance. I was in love.

And like people in deep infatuation- I found I could not stop talking about them. The emotionally stunted relationship between Sam and Ronnie, PaulyD's Caddilac tattoo and 20 minute blowout hair, Snookies self loathing and pickle sucking, J-Wows left hook, Vinnys take on life and EVERYTHING about Mike "the situation". It seems Jshore has taken a different route. Instead of cramming in people with differences- they have played on the one commonality of "Trash as Royalty" and what is left is a race to the throne for our viewing pleasure.

Where did this come from? How did this phenomenon take place? Perhaps it just brings to the surface the reality that we all have a little bit of Jshore in us. Maybe deep down, we too want to bumpit our hair, tan till we look like human handbags, dance like we know how, and cut a bitch when she messes with us. Watching these seemingly regular average people is like watching your regular average self...all hopped up on your trashiest of tendencies. And in the most counter-intuitive way, it feels AMAZING!

And so, I call you to action. Come and watch the first show worth the hype that MTV has produced since 1992. Not because its smart. Not because its witty. Not because you will be a better person for it. But because it is entertaining! Lets put aside House, mute NPR, shut off CNN online, and put down the Wall Street Journal. For the next 60 minutes lets watch the mutants dance off at "Sleaze Side Heights". Let's learn the slang and "situations" that will rocket us into our own pop culture whirlwind and not be ashamed!

Time to GTL. Peace.

World Series 2009- the night New England watched House re-runs

There is an age old philosophical question- If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is there, does it make a sound?

I will pose that to you with a different twist- If the Yankees won the World Series, and nobody watched it, did it even happen?

The answer is- probably. And while many in Philly and Boston are bitter and jaded by the overpaid, over hyped, under worked, heartless team located in NYC- I suppose it is time to congratulate them.

I'm not going to discuss key points of the game, or their season. I'm not going to call their players names, or say Jeter likes man-ass, or Arod is a little bitch who eats steroids on his breakfast cereal. Clearly, I'm above such nonsense. I will however say this- the only thing the Yanks remained consistent on is their increasing budget. They have proved that eventually, money might buy you a win.

Its a lack of Team that bothers me about the Yanks and always has. I know people may say I am bias on this, but watching a team like the Yanks win this series is just not as cool as say, the '04 "cowboy up" attitude and unity that the Sox had winning theirs. In my opinion, watching the Yankees play is about as thrilling as watching an accountant do my taxes.

The Yankees back stab each other. They talk shit in press conferences about their teammates. Torre wrote a book about the shenanigans in NY. They violate the code of sportsmanship with each other. Each one of them is an entitled, self serving player. They are the boys of summer turned men of business on the ball field. The Yanks, for years now, never let people forget, this is their job. In general, the entire organization has forgotten how lucky they are to play the great game of baseball for a living.

And so, while New England channel surfed last night, the NY Yankees finally became contenders again. The price? About a billion dollars over the years and the sacrifice of Americas past time. And while something tells me they won't have it in them to keep the wins consistent next year, may the best team, be the best.

And ps- Arod likes dick. :)

I don't care who you are....midgets are funny

So, I'm sitting on the sofa the other night, flipping through my new series of HD channels, and come across a show on TLC that features a "little person" (midget) who's regular sized mom is taking horseback riding. Mom is on a regular horse- Midget is on a "dwarf pony". I proceeded to laugh till I nearly peed my pants.

I'd like to speak a bit about the emerging trend lately that midgets (aka dwarfs, funny lil' bastards) are people with feelings. I'm kidding, of course...mostly.

I'm going to go out an a limb here (albeit a short one, haha, get it?) and say I am am tired of the whining that is happening with the little people in the world! So you were born small. So yours is a background and culture of circus people and the lollipop guild. When did we become SO PC in this country that little people lack a sense of humor? You are FUNNY! Everything about you is funny! From your tiny hands to your oddly regular sized heads.

Now, I know- I have lost some of you here. I assure you, I try to do my part in not being a total A-hole. I don't watch Little People Big World because I know its not "supposed" to be funny. I have fought the urge to hire midgets for my annual St. Pattys Day Bday party and have them dress as leprechaun and hand out fake gold to my guests (although, never say never). And I do not go out of my way to seek them out and cackle at them (because it is very hard to find the support group locations online).

If I were a "little person", you can bet your normal, regular sized arse that I would not be crying about my lack of equality, the height of a urinal, the placement of doorknobs or motion detectors. I'd have a sense of humor about it for the sake of Christ! If little people don't understand that they are funny without trying to be- what kind of a world are we living in?!

Mini me, that dude from Jackass, all of munchkin' land, Snow White's posse, Santa's workshop- these people have it MADE! It's like they get to be awesome without even trying and we have to sit there and hear about what a difficult life they have? God even made them dwarf ponies to ride! Shit- the guy from Elf was even kind of good looking! Cirque de Solei has an open invite for them to be in the shows! Boo-Hoo...tough life!

So, in closing, good things come in small packages. To the midgets of the world, I say own it. People don't want to hear you bitch and cry that you are tiny. They want to see you dance because dancing midgets are HILARIOUS. So dance, little person, dance as much as those stubby legs will allow. And thank you for bringing me joy.