#prayforboston

I woke up this morning pissy that I wasn't going to be attending the Boston Marathon.  This would be the first time since I was 22 that I would not go into the city.  I whined at GM about it (who decided to work from home as well) and then grudgingly got on a conference call.  Around 11AM, I watched the winners cross the finish line, cried (sporting event winners make me misty), and then turned to him and said we HAD to make sure we took the day next year to go.

See, Marathon Monday in Boston is one of my favorite days of the year.  Non-MA people find this odd, since I don't run marathons. But Marathon Monday is a delightful mix of athletes and spectators, people doing something amazing and people happy to witness that.  The air vibrates in Boston on this day.  Roof decks and patios are open and we gather as amazing runners, spectators, drinkers, and cheerleaders...supporting friends and perfect strangers alike. 

Today, On April 15th, 2013, the first Marathon Monday I did not attend in 8 years, someone bombed the finish line.  But that's is not what this post is about.  It is not about who did this or what I would like to do to them.  It is not about the horrific scenes Bostonians had to witness today, or the fear that terror inspires.  We can talk about that for years to come. 

This is about the good that the Boston Marathon brings.  I want to record how I feel about it so that I don't lose it. 

My first marathon was actually before I was of drinking age.  A few friends from high school and I went to see Will Ferrell running.  Little did we know, that was impossible.  But as we stood there watching these amazing athletes, running more than I drive in a week, I was beside myself in awe.  These were regular people doing something just so NOT regular.  And for the day, they take off their  heels, ties, and uniforms and they become super heroes. 

The next time I went, we happened to be at mile 26.1 in time to watch the winners cross.  I saw a woman (Kenyan, of course) running so fast, it looked subhuman.  She was running- no- she was gliding, with a huge smile on her face, like she could do another 26 and would not be tired.  I watched the first 5 women cross, and I just got all weepy, so proud of these perfect strangers for accomplishing something so magnificent. 

After that day, LG and I made this a bit of a tradition.  One year I went in to support a friend from college.  We tracked his miles and found him on heartbreak hill, and ran along side him, screaming cheers of support to get him over what can only feel like a mountain at that stage of the race.  The year I started dating GM, we went to the marathon and drank up and down Boylston.  It was the first day I had met most of his co-workers.  Last year we ended up on a roof deck by Fenway with dozens of mutual friends from all areas of life, just hanging out, loving life and loving the city.  This was an event that has been crime free, tragedy free, and just a celebration of sport and achievement. 

It is difficult, knowing  what it is like to stand on the sidewalk, in awe of the competitors, not to feel violated by the thought that someone could blow them up.  That it could have been anyone.  That a child watching this, and maybe feeling the same level of amazement I did the first time I saw the finishers, would have had their lives forever altered, or ended, in that same moment.

Its difficult to find any sliver lining, and maybe too soon to look.  But I am adamant that this day will be a day again where you are proud of your fellow man, even if you don't know them.  Where you can revel in the achievement of humans, and friends, and life.  That is the feeling terrorism tries to take from us.  My heart breaks for the city of Boston today.  But maybe we will learn something from the runners today about never giving up. 

Delores Umbridge takes over Yahoo and makes it a bad place to work

In my head, Yahoo went by way of AOL years ago.  I’m impressed they still have a company at all, but they do, and they decided to make a really forward decision and select a female CEO….who apparently thinks entirely backwards. 

Marissa Mayer (no relation to John) decided this morning that Yahoo employees could no longer work from home.  They had to show up to the office…or quit.  Mayer’s decision to do this is apparently to attempt to revive Yahoo.  Good luck, lady.  You just made a decision that not only hurts your work force- it promotes inept management.

That’s right- this decision will do nothing but inspire more mediocre managers within Yahoo.  Good managers set goals and tasks that are clear and measurable for their teams.  Shitty managers don’t do this and then they need to see you in the office to track your every move to make sure you are working.  How do I know?  Experience- I’ve been there!

Ironically, I had previous employment at a remote access company (company A) who also did not let their employees work from home (another genius decision).  Since I was coming from a different collaboration company (company B) who encouraged this practice- it took some getting used to.  Seeing both sides of the coin here, I have to say- employees at company B were less burnt out, happier, more effective, and frankly- screwed off less.  Employees at Company A had way more bad days, got frustrated easily, took longer lunches, did more online shopping, and broke off into “rage meetings” more often (meetings with each other about how stupid something is, how stupid someone is, or their general and mutual thoughts of suicide).  Other findings were that management at company B was way better.  We had set goals, timelines and achievements.  At company A, we had that stuff on paper, but not in practice.  My manager was inexperienced, non-communicative, and, well….kind of a dick...But I digress. 

Bottom line- reporting to the office every to be seen at your desk is just foolish.  It makes employees feel like they are being babysat.  Grown people know what they have to organize and get accomplished.  If that means they occasionally have to put in a day from home because their life warrants it, let them.  Just make sure they are clear on the tasks they need to get done and measure those tasks.  It’s not about where you work- its what you produce for the organization that counts!

Now that my current job has me traveling all over God’s green earth, the ability to work from home gives me some sanity when I am back from those trips.  On days I do this my productivity is not less than when I am in the office.  In fact, I notice on days I work from home, I am actually logged on longer than I am from the office.  Other benefits include:

 

-          An easier commute (it’s exactly 34 steps between my bedroom and my home office)
-          An earlier start time (I get ready much faster by forgoing makeup and hair)
-          The ability to get in a run or attend a workout class (yeah, because we don’t want to die at our jobs, Marissa)
-          Better organization (folding laundry while on a conference call never hurt anyone- it’s not my fault I was born with the ability to multi-task)
-          Environmental benefits (my carbon footprint is no small thing, but I save on emissions by WFH)

Marissa Mayer’s next decree is to replace ball point pens with feather quills and touch tone phones with the old reliable rotary dial...What a yahoo... (see what I did there?)

 

Margaret Lyons hates women

I decided today I hate Margaret Lyons.  I don’t know or follow Margret Lyons, but I have a good feeling she is one of those people whose face always looks like she is eating a lemon and has an odd sense of entitlement nobody can put a finger on. Lyons blog response to Seth MacFarlane's hosting the Oscars is setting women back and frankly I feel we are owed an apology for her irresponsible writing.   (Her stupid blog is here: http://www.vulture.com/2013/02/why-seth-macfarlanes-misogyny-matters.html)

Having worked in male dominated companies for my entire career, I am not stranger to chauvinism, misogyny, male ego, or locker room banter.  As much of that I have experienced, I am lucky to have mostly worked with kind and intelligent men who are not threatened by strong women.  I really hate whiney women.  This post is not about Seth MacFarlane's Oscar hosting.  I feel as though if the producers had ever see anything Seth MacFarlane was remotely responsible for, they would have known the entire event would be filled with the juvenile, tasteless humor we come to love from the creator of Peter Griffin.  If they wanted it classy, hire someone classy.  If you wanted "Ted"….you got him. 

But then you get Margret Lyons writing her blog post about how misogynistic this was and how wrong that is.  What women need to understand is your whiny attitude about this kind of thing does more harm than good.  You are the bad female apple spoiling my vagina barrel (…that was graphic).  Why?  Because you lack basic coping skills and that does not make you the equal of men- it makes you weak.  And it puts a huge magnifying glass on the weaknesses of our sex- which makes me want to kick your ass in an alley until you toughen up.  Below are my responses, and 3 life rules for Margaret Lyons.

In response to the low -brow “we saw your boobs” song MacFarlane opened with, Lyons says “… after 30 or so years, this stuff doesn't feel like joking. It's dehumanizing and humiliating”.  Wow…Lady, you have a lot of issues wrapped up in your boobs.  This song was tasteless and childish, but I am not ashamed or humiliated as a woman that someone sang a song about boobs.  Go into any 5^th grade classroom and you will probably hear a similar ditty.  I feel bad for people who would only see me for my (amazing) breasts, but these are people I don’t need to acknowledge.  This is more offensive to grown men in the room than it was to women because most men over 14 years of age don’t think like that (fine, 22 years of age…27….whatever).   Rule #1: As a woman, you will always be objectified.  Find a way to use it to your advantage, and find a way to cope with it because these behaviors don’t go away by whining about them.  You take away their power by being stronger than the words.    

Apparently, according to Lyons, MacFarlane also over-complimented the most stunning women in Hollywood.  “Well, thank God, because what matters to all women is that we look good for Seth MacFarlane. How many women did he introduce over the course of the night by mentioning how they looked: "Please welcome the lovely ___ ," "the beautiful ______"? How many men?”

Prior to the Oscars was an extravagant red carpet show in which actresses talked about who they were wearing, how long it took them to get ready, and put their fingers in the “Mani-cam” so we could see nails and diamonds.  If I went through all of that- someone sure as shit better call me “the lovely”.  Rule #2: As a woman, it does fucking matter if you look good!  You don’t have to be the thinnest or the prettiest, but you better have your shit put together because otherwise people will talk.  And people talk about men too because it matters how you look on the outside if you want people to take you seriously.  It may not be fair, but it’s true- SO COPE. 

And then my favorite part- Margret’s dreams and wishes: “I dream of someday watching women win all the non-performance categories, of women making as many films as men do, of women and men being nominated for a comparable number of awards.”  Well then you know what Mags, get out of their way.  Women don’t get to do that stuff because they are women.  They get to do that stuff because they are GOOD enough to do it.  It’s not about the penis.  If you want to get the recognition, the award, the role, the pay, the anything- BE the best.  Rule #3: it’s not fair, get over it.  It is still a man’s world and the only way that equalizes is by being the undisputed BEST.  It’s getting the outfit, the makeup, the education, the experience- but more importantly the swagger- and after you have all of that and you are exhausted and want to be done- THEN you have to do the job twice as good.

It’s not easy, but you don’t get there by whining or pointing and tattling that the mean man made a boob joke.  Margret Lyons is impeding progress.  Learn to overcome the boob joke, develop a skin, stay focused- and then maybe women have a shot.   

Don't negotiate with terrorists

The past week has been a rather emotional one for us as a country.  The Newtown, CT school shooting has taken a toll on so many people.  These past 4 days, they continue to bury the victims and heroes.  I have trouble thinking about this time of year and so many people losing their kids.  Christmas trees up, presents bought and tucked away…maybe already wrapped.  And a country of victims- other children with their innocence lost- wondering why. 

The two lanes people are choosing to be in to combat tragedies like this are: Gun Control and Psychological Intervention.  I have thought about both sides.  But it gets me to thinking about Terrorism.   These attacks are some of the most brutal we have had and as the nation has come together, it has been reminiscent of 9/11- with one exception.  The terrorists who blew up planes and buildings were the axis of evil.  The man who shot up a school makes us question out psychological care system.  Why?

Now before everyone gets all up in arms, I agree our psychological healthcare is a damaged system and in need of attention and funding.  A huge step even before that, is to create an outlet where teachers and professionals who see a kid exhibiting “dangerous” emotional or physical behavior should have a place to escalate it properly.  However, there is a large outpouring of empathy around Adam Lanza.  Was it a breakdown of his parental unit?  Was it autism or some other form of it?  Was it misdiagnosed crazy- another victim of a broken healthcare system?  Did he have a grudge or a motive?  How did the shy kid become the murderer?  All good questions- but my head keeps coming back to the same conclusion.  Adam Lanza is a terrorist. 

The definition of terrorism is : the state of fear and submission produced by the use of violence or intimidation. 

I find it interesting how we change the face and emotional connection for a home grown terrorist vs. one who comes from the middle east.  As Americans, we spend almost no time trying to determine why terrorists from Islamic nations do what they do, or think how they think.  We don’t care what we did to motivate them, or how/if we may be responsible for action that made someone want to be a human bomb.  In fact, we lack empathy for entire middle eastern countries, tribes, and nationalities.  “Terrorism” is not held to the same standard across the world.  This was a wealthy white American kid who shot up a school.  That seems to be confusing a lot of people.  There is no group to associate him to.  He is one of us- our production, our responsibility.    

Here is my thought for today (and it may change by tomorrow as I process this).  Everyone wants everyone to be happy safe winners in society.  We don’t want kids to lose anymore.  We banned bullies and now kids who fight are held to the exact same consequence as kids who defend themselves.  We cookie cutter our kids in brain and personality because if everyone is the same its easier to manage.  We tie our youth in bubble wrap and as a result we have not taught them how to cope.  It is my desire that we will someday stop exacting a war on kids who are different or worse, kids who already battle for social acceptance and individualism.  I know deep down that  all people go into a natural pecking order, and good parents will teach their children how to win some and lose some- not lull them into a false sense of reality.

But I draw the line at kids who will do damage.  I don’t want to hear about how people who have dangerous children who threaten themselves and others have no help.  Dangerous people are not allowed to play with the rest of us.  If your behavior is disturbing and unsafe and will hurt others- you don’t get to be here.  We either need to counsel it out of them, medicate it out of them, or remove them from the situation.  The greater good cannot operate while we “find a place” for people who want to destroy it.  We keep kids away from outlets, and fire, and knives, and strangers- we need to also keep them away from people, even children, who have demonstrated a desire to harm them.  Because anyone using violence or threats to make others fearful of their environment must be treated the same was as we treat a terrorist threat.  They must be dealt with swiftly before they kill us.  That is the only guideline our youth needs to know. 

Being more pro-gun than your average liberal (I am actually mid process to get my license), I am torn.  However, I do agree that in the past 15 years and more through the 4 shootings in the past 5 years, I feel like this issue goes nowhere.  The gun lobby is strong.  And let’s face it…talking about these kinds of tragedies gets draining for the best of people so we eventually let it pass.  I’ve not wanted to let this one go so easily.  It feels different this time.  Maybe it’s the season.  Maybe it’s their age.  Or maybe nobody is really cut out to watch 20 tiny caskets leaving churches and synagogues. 

And so for their honor, for their memory- I am more than ever completely in favor of gun control; For the abolishment of assault rifles for civilians and for the extreme measures for any other weapon.  I live in a state where our gun license process is said to be extreme- and even I think it’s too easy.  Let it take months.  Let it take a psych test.  Let it take a home visit to assess the risk.  I don’t care.  We don’t need to exercise a right here anymore.  We need to recognize a wrong. 

20 babies.  6 teachers trying to save them.  I am, as ever, in awe of the people of Newtown CT, and other survivors and families of mass shooting victims for your ability to stand, remain, breath, and simply not implode on yourselves and give into the sheer torture and loss.  There are no words of comfort.  I just want them to know they give the rest of the nation hope by being so strong.  #PrayForNewtown

Wall Street smells like Patchouli

And now for something surprising.

I don't like Wall Street. I don't like the bailout. I don't like they way they all bitched this up and now they want the power back. It's like a teenager wrapping a car around a tree and asking to borrow the rental three days later. Slow your roll, morons. Capitalism is not and should not be synonymous with Greedy Motherf*ckers. I don't like Wall Street. But you know what I like less?

Those god damned protesters.

I know, I generally am all in favor of a protest. But these people are giving us Liberals a bad name. And frankly, if they are turning me off, they are in some trouble. I should be proverbaly blowing them...and still may. If they take my advice and change the following:

1) Get a cohesive missions statement and reason for occupation of major financial districts. Idiots, the point of "occupying" should not be because you have nothing better to do because you lack occupation. What are you doing there? What do you hope to gain? What is your end goal? If nobody knows the answer to these questions and you are not all answering them all the same...go home. Nobody ever accomplished shit in such a disorganized fashion.

2) If you are under the age of 25 and have never held a job or made a payment to a loan, please take your signage and get in before curfew. After gainfully employed and not living with mom and dad, you may wager an opinion on the matter quietly. Little young people who have never worked and were just doing keg stands last spring should not be speaking to wall street on anyones behalf.

3) Put your acoustic guitar down and cut your hair, you dreadlocked fucking hippie ass lunatic. In marketing we often talk about knowing your audience. Is the understanding that the suits on Wall Street are to take you and your shirts made of hemp seriously? I see you on the news, talking about 800 reasons you are there, singing "He's got the whole world in his hands" and picking bed bugs off each others baja ponchos. You are laughable and a waste of time. Clean it up!

4) Put your weed down and come up with a solution based conversation. Is it just me or are all of you having way too much FUN there? A little less pot and a little more thought into what your end goal is. This is why nobody is taking you seriously. You're not saying anything worth taking seriously. Even in the '60's they took care of the business of a protest first. Why? Because protest should result in desired change.

5) Get better slogans...and signage. C'mon kids. You're on TV. Get it together.

In closing, and in all seriousness, I don't disagree with what I *think* they are trying to do. I disagree with such a terrible approach. With no, dare I say, business tactics behind this- the idea will run out of steam and they will be remembered as a Saturday Night Live joke. They do the Left more harm than good because they are uneducated on the issues and want for different things- some noble, some just as selfish and greedy as the corporations they protest.

Anything worth doing is worth doing right.

Steve Jobs- iLegend

While the death of Steve Jobs saddens me- I have to say, sometimes when an artist dies young, you respect the work just a little more. As I said last night on Facebook, it is a true testament that I found out about his death- on my iPhone.

What I have found interesting over the last day or so, is not that people have been mourning his death- but more that he is not being so much hailed for his iphones and macbook airs. He is being quoted and remembered as a true innovator of life.

When it comes to a legacy, I think its far better to be remembered for how you lived and thought- than for a thing you invented or created.

Some quotes I liked today:

"This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."- Steve Jobs (Commencement Speech, 2005).

"You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life……The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it." - SJobs

High Heels got you Down?

Spring has sprung, and so have the high heels, open toes, and strappy sandals for women and light loafered men everywhere. So- a quick post to clue in the clueless.

You should not rock the open toe stiletto if:

1. You are over 55 years and you look it. Honey, the glory days have gone bye bye. And I get it, it sucks. And I know looking at you, and your varicose veins and your sagging skin that lost all elasticity that someday, I will be in your boat. But do us all a favor, accept your age and place in life and slip on some Dr. Scholls and let us take it from here. Every spring has a winter.

2. You are in the ballpark of 300-350lbs. Have you ever seen way too much ice cream piled on top of a thin little sugar cone? Your first thought is always “damn, that shit is going to topple over”. …That might be enough said there.

3. Your toe-nails look like something you would find on a creature in Middle Earth. There is really no need for humans to have talons. Ladies, trim that shit. And keep in mind your pedicure is always at least 5 feet away- so slap some paint on those babies if you can’t make it in for a pedi. Having said that- make it in for a pedi! Everyone feels better after a soak and sluff and you are no different.

4. When you wear heels, you walk as though you just got slammed up the ass by a stallion stud horse. Yeah, there is no ladylike or delicate way to say this, because that is exactly what it looks like. It’s like this: shoulders back, move the hips, strike at the ball of the foot, and walk like you mean it. If you cannot do that, these are not the shoes for you. I can’t wear a size 2…you can’t wear a stiletto. Life sucks sometimes.

5. You failed to shave…for the better part of a month. People are looking. After they notice, they tell their friends. You know that feeling you get that everyone is talking about you? They are. Take a razor to your gorilla leg. And if you have to question it- wear pants.

6. You are at a sporting event, a picnic, an outing, or something else casual in which heels would be grossly inappropriate. Say it with me Carrie Bradshaw- Flip Flops. Nobody thinks you look cute here. People are either wondering what is wrong with you, or they are feeling bad for you. Women think you look dumb and kind of slutty. Men think you are dumb….and, well, kind of slutty. Essentially you look dumb and slutty. Now, if that is the look you are going for- by all means- forge ahead. If not, switch it on up.

The Tainted Saint (haha...taint)

With the fastest beautification of an individual in modern times occurring this week, it makes me wonder about saints in general. Most of the ones I am familiar with are ancient relics in the Christian tradition. They are prayed to for their particular strengths and will guide you through your life.

I used to think of the saints as God’s assistant managers…Potentially at a company called Heaven, Inc. God is a busy dude, as are most CEO’s. The saints are dispatched because he is probably working on bigger things in the global infrastructure. It makes sense from an organizational standpoint. “Christopher, you have the transportation division.” “Anthony, you are now the VP of the lost and found department.” “Frances, handle livestock…but don’t let me catch you again with those sheep…”

But do saints have a dark side? Pope John Paul II is being hi-fived for his work on trying to unify all religions. To some he was a religious beacon. And a major point of achievement being discussed was his acts of repentment of the Catholic Church for the errors and horrors committed through centuries.
…

Through the centuries? Would that include the 20th? How is the Catholic Church SERIOUSLY ignoring the fact that under this pope, pedophiles who were and are rampant among the priesthood were shuffled around like a deck of cards. The current pope Benedict stated that John Paul was placed on the fast track to saint hood because of the “extraordinary sanctity of his life”.

This is where the Catholic Church kills me. It would be funny if it were not so disturbing and sad. To me, this is yet another example in piss poor communications and zero acknowledgement of wrong-doing that has been tearing the Catholics apart since the break of this scandal. And what an incredible slap in the face to the abuse victims that we are now sainting the man who not only knew about the problem, but contributed to it and had beyond the power to put an end to it.

I am aware this is getting a bit “ranty” (yes, it’s a word). But accountability is not about placing blame. Accountability is about accepting and admitting mistakes and learning from them to ensure they will not happen again. My outrage comes from the fact that the Catholic Church continually and brazenly likes to move beyond the problem, dodge the question, avoid the apology, and remain superior. They are the classic school bully that gets his ass kicked and still tries to terrorize students. Nobody is scared anymore. You are off the pedestal. They dropped a house on you. Be humble, be sorry, show true remorse, and stop being a dick.

Next up for canonization: Jeffrey Dahmer, the unibomber, and the executive team from Enron.

ugh...age

There was a time I spent my Birthdays out, and drunk, no matter when they fell during the week. Now, alas, 49 minutes to go and where am I? Showered, in bed, with anti aging serum on my face, blogging.............Fine, there is a cat in here too. My how things change.

But with age, comes wisdom. In my 29 years I have come to recognize things in myself that I am pretty sure are not changing, no matter the year. Here are a few:

I like boys who open doors for me. While I can be a little less than ladylike and a little more than rough around the edges at times, I appreciate men who show me chivalry is indeed alive and kicking, even if difficult to find.

I hate bleu cheese. I like cheese of all other variety. But the Bleus are my southern republican white trash Christians of cheese. I really don't like them.

I really don't like southern republican white trash christians. I'm not even sorry. I welcome all other race and orientation. I even welcome a different political view. But there are some people who fit a certain bill for me and I simply don't care for it. Blanket judgement? Sure. But this is my blog. Suck it.

I only like Haribro gummy bears. And at that- the original bears of Haribro. No other gummy will do.

I think there is some truth to almost ever conspiracy theory. Marilyn Monroe, JFK, Princess Di, I buy at least 33% of the theoretical circumstances.

Friendships are relationships too. You still have to make sure you are not being an asshole just because you don't bone your friends.

Relationships should be friendships with boning. But still...don't be an asshole.

Cookie dough is better than cookies. No...seriously.

Good steak is meant to be rare of medium. If I ever open a high quality steak house and people ask for well done, I will not serve them the good stuff and instead keep horse meat in the back.

Jesus was a pothead. I'm telling you, the man was a down guy, and I am pretty sure he would not have rolled with the people who are so into him now. He would have rolled with me and my friends, had some drinks, and told us about how the purity festival was lame.

bi WINNING

Charlie Sheen is creating inspiration. Let’s face it. The one liners are worth millions in tee shirt sales alone. I will include some of my “Bi Winners” later in the post. In the meantime, I’d like to discuss other starlets and they also got a bad rep by going banana sandwiches in front of a camera. (list provided by Boston.com)

Alec Baldwin's harsh voicemail to his 11-year-old daughter Ireland in which he calls her a "rude, thoughtless little pig" quickly circulated through the media. PLEASE- If I had a nickel every time I was called out on my bullshit when I was 11! And if I had submitted that shit to the media, I would have been a pig with an ass whooping besides. Princess had it coming- keep in mind what side your bread is buttered on, honey. Alec 1- daughter 0

Isaiah Washington used an antigay slur to refer to costar T.R. Knight in 2006, he upset castmates and forced Knight to go public with his homosexuality. At the Golden Globes, Washington grabbed the microphone to publicly deny his comment. The actor has since issued a public apology and attended anger management classes.- Gay. TR Knight was FORCED to come out? Gay. We all knew he was gay. Gays Anatomy. Here is the chance of a lifetime to man up and demonstrate a thick skin for your GLBT community- and instead you cry like a fairy. Isaiah did TR a favor- and then TR gave his community a terrible look. Isaiah 1- Knight 0

Foxy Brown gained a reputation for her explosive temper, beginning in 1997 when she spat on hotel workers in North Carolina for failing to provide her with an iron. Since then, she's skipped out on court dates, lashed out at manicurists, and thrown shampoo at a beauty salon employee. The rapper's troubles eventually landed her a year in jail.- Listen…when you taste just like Candy, and want to dance, you really need shit to go your way. Rock on Foxy…Rock on. Foxy 1- maids 0

Björk - In 1996, the singer let her temper take over when she attacked a British reporter in a Thailand airport who told her "Welcome to Bangkok." Björk later apologized to the reporter, who did not file any charges. Bangkok…only the funniest place in the world. Kudos to the reporter. But Bjork is no fool. She is an Icelandic singer. What did she sing? No idea. In fact the only way anyone was going to know who she is long term is if she wears a swan dress and cuts a reporter in an airport. Bjork 1- Bangkok 0

Charlie Sheen- This dude is KILLING it. Here he is taking his mental breakdown and not giving a FUCK! He is not really acting out and insulting anyone. He is really more self promoting- and I DIG that about him. His whole deal is “Hey, I’m Charlie Sheen, I take tin cans and make them gold. I have a briefcase full of blow and I’m not afraid to do it off a hookers ass on the Today show. I cured myself with my mind. I have the blood of a tiger. Blow me, America. Smooches”. Charlie 100- haters 0

Enjoy the soundboard:
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/soundboards/play/81342498

don't play tag with the bus...

I used to have a 7th grade teacher who used to use the phrase "don't play tag with the bus". I hated her. So did my sister. So did my mom, in fact. She was unaware of her age and the fact that it, combined with her ever expanding ass, made most of what she wore inappropriate.

However, even assholes can provide the occasional bit of good advice- which I think this is. Thus, lets talk about this dude plowing over protesters on bikes in Brazil.

Now, I must admit, I have a bit of a road rage issue. I'm not angry to drive, I love driving. I have a great car and a fantastic musical selection. I get annoyed with idiots. People who lack the understanding of the zipper system for merging onto the highway (you go, I go, you go, I go). Drifters- also a peeve of mine. And while I used to get angry with joggers and cyclists and did not want to share the road- now that I am a jogging moron at night- nearly plowed overall the time, I have developed patience.

What gets me about this dude in the car is his statement after...

"I felt threatened by the cyclists."

....um....really guy? You are in a CAR. Surrounded by reinforced walls, with a motor and a bumper. What is the worst they could have been doing? Blowing Brazilian raspberries at you? Don't be a bad liar. People sympathize more with honesty.

"These people were really irritating me. Who protests on bikes? Like protests were not annoying enough...now they are doing it in spandex with helmets. What are we protesting anyways? We are Brazil. We have soccer, waxed vahoo-hoos and BBQ on a stick by a beach. Who is unhappy here? In short, I ran them down for my country." SOLD!

My Journey with MTV's Jersey Shore!

When I was in middle school MTV began producing a show called "The Real World". I watched the first season, which was a fairly accurate depiction of a few select people trying to live together in a sweet house, while drinking nightly to lower their inhibitions and make some bad decisions in the hot tub (the best shows have hot tubs).

I stopped watching after that season because the subtleties died. Its no mystery what will happen when you cram a house with a clan member, african american, right wing gay- hater, flamboyant queen, devil worshiper, and bible beating christian who sees jesus in her toast. The psychological nuances of interpersonal relationships became a common day 'bread and circus' which I protested. However, the demon reality seed was planted, and MTV launched several more abhorrent reality shows throughout the years, each one more predictable than the next.

I thought, given the summary of my feelings on the matter, that I had a stance on reality TV. I stood far away from it and mocked those of lesser intelligence who followed it. That is until, MTV's Jersey Shore came into my life.

It was a regular Sunday, over at my good friends the Parkers, awaiting a day of movies, burritos, and too much wine with the girls. I took my seat on the couch and patiently waited for the end of the show they were in the middle of so we could watch a chick flick.

And then I saw them...Seven people on screen looking the shade of burnt oranges, drinking something that looked like cough syrup, and swearing so much that you could not even make out the full sentence over the beep-outs. I found myself mesmerized. A combination of the accents, cursing, tattoos, hairspray, implants, juiced muscles, and general skin tone created a vortex of ghetto that tantalized my senses. I wanted to be right there with them- wearing rhinestone clothes, doing cartwheels in a thong and pumping my fists. And just when I didn't think it could get better, they started to beat the shit out of people during a bar fight. It was inexplicable, unreasonable, irrational, and against my better judgement- the stuff of epic romance. I was in love.

And like people in deep infatuation- I found I could not stop talking about them. The emotionally stunted relationship between Sam and Ronnie, PaulyD's Caddilac tattoo and 20 minute blowout hair, Snookies self loathing and pickle sucking, J-Wows left hook, Vinnys take on life and EVERYTHING about Mike "the situation". It seems Jshore has taken a different route. Instead of cramming in people with differences- they have played on the one commonality of "Trash as Royalty" and what is left is a race to the throne for our viewing pleasure.

Where did this come from? How did this phenomenon take place? Perhaps it just brings to the surface the reality that we all have a little bit of Jshore in us. Maybe deep down, we too want to bumpit our hair, tan till we look like human handbags, dance like we know how, and cut a bitch when she messes with us. Watching these seemingly regular average people is like watching your regular average self...all hopped up on your trashiest of tendencies. And in the most counter-intuitive way, it feels AMAZING!

And so, I call you to action. Come and watch the first show worth the hype that MTV has produced since 1992. Not because its smart. Not because its witty. Not because you will be a better person for it. But because it is entertaining! Lets put aside House, mute NPR, shut off CNN online, and put down the Wall Street Journal. For the next 60 minutes lets watch the mutants dance off at "Sleaze Side Heights". Let's learn the slang and "situations" that will rocket us into our own pop culture whirlwind and not be ashamed!

Time to GTL. Peace.

World Series 2009- the night New England watched House re-runs

There is an age old philosophical question- If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is there, does it make a sound?

I will pose that to you with a different twist- If the Yankees won the World Series, and nobody watched it, did it even happen?

The answer is- probably. And while many in Philly and Boston are bitter and jaded by the overpaid, over hyped, under worked, heartless team located in NYC- I suppose it is time to congratulate them.

I'm not going to discuss key points of the game, or their season. I'm not going to call their players names, or say Jeter likes man-ass, or Arod is a little bitch who eats steroids on his breakfast cereal. Clearly, I'm above such nonsense. I will however say this- the only thing the Yanks remained consistent on is their increasing budget. They have proved that eventually, money might buy you a win.

Its a lack of Team that bothers me about the Yanks and always has. I know people may say I am bias on this, but watching a team like the Yanks win this series is just not as cool as say, the '04 "cowboy up" attitude and unity that the Sox had winning theirs. In my opinion, watching the Yankees play is about as thrilling as watching an accountant do my taxes.

The Yankees back stab each other. They talk shit in press conferences about their teammates. Torre wrote a book about the shenanigans in NY. They violate the code of sportsmanship with each other. Each one of them is an entitled, self serving player. They are the boys of summer turned men of business on the ball field. The Yanks, for years now, never let people forget, this is their job. In general, the entire organization has forgotten how lucky they are to play the great game of baseball for a living.

And so, while New England channel surfed last night, the NY Yankees finally became contenders again. The price? About a billion dollars over the years and the sacrifice of Americas past time. And while something tells me they won't have it in them to keep the wins consistent next year, may the best team, be the best.

And ps- Arod likes dick. :)

I don't care who you are....midgets are funny

So, I'm sitting on the sofa the other night, flipping through my new series of HD channels, and come across a show on TLC that features a "little person" (midget) who's regular sized mom is taking horseback riding. Mom is on a regular horse- Midget is on a "dwarf pony". I proceeded to laugh till I nearly peed my pants.

I'd like to speak a bit about the emerging trend lately that midgets (aka dwarfs, funny lil' bastards) are people with feelings. I'm kidding, of course...mostly.

I'm going to go out an a limb here (albeit a short one, haha, get it?) and say I am am tired of the whining that is happening with the little people in the world! So you were born small. So yours is a background and culture of circus people and the lollipop guild. When did we become SO PC in this country that little people lack a sense of humor? You are FUNNY! Everything about you is funny! From your tiny hands to your oddly regular sized heads.

Now, I know- I have lost some of you here. I assure you, I try to do my part in not being a total A-hole. I don't watch Little People Big World because I know its not "supposed" to be funny. I have fought the urge to hire midgets for my annual St. Pattys Day Bday party and have them dress as leprechaun and hand out fake gold to my guests (although, never say never). And I do not go out of my way to seek them out and cackle at them (because it is very hard to find the support group locations online).

If I were a "little person", you can bet your normal, regular sized arse that I would not be crying about my lack of equality, the height of a urinal, the placement of doorknobs or motion detectors. I'd have a sense of humor about it for the sake of Christ! If little people don't understand that they are funny without trying to be- what kind of a world are we living in?!

Mini me, that dude from Jackass, all of munchkin' land, Snow White's posse, Santa's workshop- these people have it MADE! It's like they get to be awesome without even trying and we have to sit there and hear about what a difficult life they have? God even made them dwarf ponies to ride! Shit- the guy from Elf was even kind of good looking! Cirque de Solei has an open invite for them to be in the shows! Boo-Hoo...tough life!

So, in closing, good things come in small packages. To the midgets of the world, I say own it. People don't want to hear you bitch and cry that you are tiny. They want to see you dance because dancing midgets are HILARIOUS. So dance, little person, dance as much as those stubby legs will allow. And thank you for bringing me joy.

Pitiful

Pitiful- Synonyms- ineptitude, inadequacy. This is how I am feeling about my blogging as of late. About to make a conscious effort to be better. Read on...read on.

Apparently some things you just don't get from book learnin'

Philip Markoff has shocked the nation-especially the east coast- as the blond haired, blue- eyed, all American dream boy who has been charged with the craigslist robberies and killing of a "masseuse" in a back bay hotel.

No doubt, these crimes are terrible and the victims deliberately chosen as members of society that will be unable to have a voice or go to law enforcement for help. As for the punishment- that's between Markoff and the law. But it still begs the question- How the FUCK is a BU med student THIS dumb?!?

Boston University Medical School...A program that requires a mean 4.0 gpa and top test scores- Accepts a dip shit that collects the underpants of his victims, texts from the crime scene, leaves a fingerprint, still has the gun, and my favorite- has NO conception of the fact that in a HOTEL there are likely security cameras in the hallways, stairwells, at all exits, and in the elevator's.

I mean, you have to be crazy to shoot an Innocent woman three times at close range- but do you have to be stupid too? This "star" student logged hours upon hours in labs and libraries and does not understand basic evidence 101?

This is by no means advocacy that Markoff had done a better job. Personally, I think those who prey on the disadvantaged of society (meaning people unable to get help or advocacy) should fry. But come ON. A little law and order? CSI- Miami? Cold Case files?

This is a simple case of either mental retardation- in which case I think BU Medical should probably raise the bar a little bit. Or this dude was just arrogant enough to really think that nobody would pin it on the rich over- privileged white boy.

I'm glad his fiancee called off the wedding. I think the only honeymoon this kid will be having is in the slammer with a huge degenerate criminal nicknamed "Drill".

McNugget woman is my hero!

If someone steals your money- do you call the police? Most would say yes.

I find more and more that the news media is becoming the quintessential slippery used car salesman of society. Headlines are misleading, people misrepresented, and the spin is always bias. It seems in an attempt to gain popularity and readership, the media will stop at nothing- even sacrifice the innocent for a good spin.

Case in point- Latreasa Goodman is currently being painted the crazy lady from Florida who called 911 because McDonald's was out of McNuggets. Headlines mock her, people chastise her, and I was ready to get a good laugh out of her myself...until I read the story.

The media, in short blurbs and headlines, would have you believe this lady called the cops because McDonald's didn't have nuggets. Only when you read down to the 6TH paragraph of most news stories do you see what really happened- that McDonald's TOOK her money after she ordered McNuggets- only to then tell her they didn't have them -and then refused to refund her money and tried to make her order something else on the menu.

"The manager just took my money and won't give me my money back, trying to make me get something off the menu that I don't want," Goodman said in one of the 911 calls. "I ordered chicken nuggets. They don't have chicken nuggets, and so I told her, 'Just give me my money back,' and she tells me I have to pick something else off the menu. She is not going to give me my money back, and she don't have the right to take my money."

"If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one."

Goodman told WPBF News 25 that she didn't "have a right to jump across the counter and snatch the money, so chose to handle it another way."

This is not about chicken McNuggets. This is about theft. This lady gave $6 for a product and then was not refunded when the product was not available. That is unacceptable. When she called 911- they did not direct her to the non- emergency line. Instead they did not help her so she could further become a laughing stock.

So what do we do as a society? We blame her for the fact that a corporation stole her money. We mock her for going against her baser instincts to jump across the counter and take her money out of the register (for which she would have been arrested) and laugh at her for being so concerned about her hard earned 6 dollars.

Should she have called 911? There were absolutely better ways to go about it. But this lady felt robbed and there was nothing she could do about it. For her- 911 meant involving the police. Because when you are victimized- the police are supposed to help.

I stand behind Goodman and I look down on the Media once again. The news media should be an outlet to uncover injustice- not perpetuate it.

"When you feel that you've been mistreated or misused or robbed out of your money, you have the right to call 911," Goodman said. "That's the purpose of 911, so I thought."

You're my hero of the week Latreasa Goodman!

Blast from the past- my Vday blog from 2006

Tuesday, January 24, 2006
F-U Saint Valentine!Current mood: productiveCategory: Life

Well its that time of year again. You can tell. A mood sweeps across the nation right around this time . You find yourself wondering when hearts came back in style and why retail stores insist on draping everything in pepto- bismal pink. Then it occurs to you...It is Valentines Day season.

There it is, plain as day. So many shades or pink and red you swear you have gone colorblind, or at least that the rest of the world has because you know full well pink and red clash and should not ever be displayed together (note the blog color scheme). Shelves are stacked with candy that is 50% pure sugar and 50% monosodiumphenophenotalbicarbonate. And everywhere you go, a fat, naked, little winged creature is holding a bow and arrow...mocking you.

I am Anti-Valentines Day ( in case you didn’t gather from the subject of this blog). And to all you people who are pro Valentines day, well I say F-U TOO! And I am also all done with the people who say "Ohh But you are in a relationship this year, so you can't hate Valentines day!" Excuse me, but just because I am in a relationship on February 14th, 2006 does not mean that years of VDay TRAUMA are magically erased from my brain! It is people like you- you sick lovey dovey bastards that make the world the terrible place it is today.

I am sure you were the ones, the people in the jewelry stores, and the dress shops, and buying outfits and making dinner reservations, getting roses and (gag me) carnations, going away for the weekend like this is some long awaited holiday that we should all respect and cherish!
Well I was doing a little bit of different shopping whilst you were choking down a candy heart (that NOBODY really likes by the way) I was with the rest of the singles for years, being shady while we purchased things like rope, tarp, lye, cyanide, razorblades, Jack Daniels, shovels, duck tape, fishing twine, valium, and poison Ivy. You didn't know what we were doing with the goods. And you didn't ask either...The foreboding, distant look in our eye was enough to send you screaming back to your 88 pound boy-toy, who was currently at the wal-mart counter buying you an ugly teddy bear and a cubic zirconia bracelet. You lucky lady.

Bitter? Yes. It all started on Valentines day 2000 when we had to put my beloved childhood cat Oreo to sleep. Follow that up with YEARS of unrequited love, not to mention the very bad ruby incident of 2002. After that it was Februarys filled with darkness and evil, being haunted by the seemingly happy blissful couples, sent by Satan to remind you that you are alone, rejected, and miserable.

My response? FUCK Valentines Day. Not just when you are single. But FOREVER. Do not let couples, marrieds, or Hallmark dictate your happiness! Screw Cupid, Screw Saint Valentine, and screw all of the VDay celebrators! It is the pussified American public that continues this mockery of a day, and I am doing my part to put a stop to it!

Thank you for your time!

I'm with Palestine

I don't usually spend a lot of time on the Middle East. To me it's all generally been warfare and fights about who God likes best with people going back hundreds of years. Mostly I feel as thought its too big to wrap my mind around. And it is hard to form an opinion or take a side on people who seemingly lack the ability to live and let live, separate church and state, not strap bombs to their chests and blow up schools or blanket bomb civilians. I guess I always wondered "WTF are these people so pissed off for all the time"?.


This situation in the Gaza strip has made me do some research of my own. And for the first time in my life I think I am making a stand for myself on one side of this middle eastern mess...I'm with Palestine.


I know, I know- I can already feel the eyebrows raising and the stare downs. But from what I have read- you have two peoples- Israelis and Palestinians. After WWII the US felt bad about the fact that many of the Jews said the reason they had no safe harbor is because they had no homeland- no area which they could support or defend. So the US looked around the globe and said here- Take this lot of desert.


We ignored the fact that there were some other people living on that plot of land at the time. But lets face it- that's never really phased the US before (hi pilgrims and Indians).


Palestinians were living there- some chose to leave, many were forced out. Israel took its country and borders very seriously. Many Palestinians were like "Dude- you cannot create a country on our country! This one is ours!" And nobody listened. Palestinians were forced out to neighboring Arab countries where they were not accepted because there are so many of them. Middle Eastern people are very tribal- nobody wants the Palestinians coming in and out numbering a tribe to make a new Palestine. So they live in horrific refugee camps- pissed off- for the last 60 years.

To me, this is the equivalent to moving a big part of Texas on Massachusetts and now calling us Texas. Boston Cream Pie, Lobster, Seafood dinners will all be replaced with Pork rinds, beef, and lard. The red sox will be gone and the patriots replaced with the cowboys. The drawl and twang will replace the dropping of the "r". You are only accepted here if you are Texan. Current residents will be displaced and no other state will accept them- so they will live in camps as a forgotten and wandering people. This would suck. We would resent the new Texas, not recognize it, hate it and everything it stands for, rebel against it, and in general become a real pain in it's ass.

Israel took many steps over the past several decades to expand their territory all the while forcing more and more Palestinians out. Then they took Jerusalem and made it their capital- forcing more Palestinians out. Then the Palestinians got together and decided to do a free and democratic election (something that GW Bush took a MAJOR victory lap on). And who did they elect? A terrorist funded organization called Hamas who promised to get them more land and resources. And what did the US do? We created and EMBARGO on them because we didn't like who they elected in their free and democratic elections. So the past years have been miserable for them without trade, money or funding. And we wonder why they are pissed off? REALLY?

In this past battle as Israel applied pressure- the Hamas leaders responded with rockets over to Israel- killing 4 Israelis. THe response? A shitshow, being called a mini-Holocaust, in the Gaza strip- killing hundreds of Palestinian civilians, including children.

My issue- the Palestinians cannot catch a damn break. We know they can't because we make sure of it. Israel is a very civilized, educated, well organized country in theory- with excellent military resources. I cannot imagine that they would want this kind of bloodshed to continue- but now they seem to be enjoying it. It seems to me that a country made up of people who were trying to escape persecution and extinction for their beliefs- should not turn around and do the same thing to another group of people!

There is only so much desert. And if the Israelis cannot figure out a way to share- and give the Palestinians some peace and a country to call their own the same way Israel needed it- I say Israel is in the wrong and doesn't deserve what they got.

To persecute a group of people, create no win situations, make them destitute, and in general treat them like they don't matter- will do nothing but breed centuries of contempt, ill will, and desperation to do whatever means necessary to get more, be more, and have more. We cannot continue to both create our own worst enemies and punish them.

The Boy Who Lived

If you have ever read book one, chapter one of Harry Potter- the feeling was quite reminiscent today. People huddled up around coffee makers and water coolers, Dunkin Donuts lines, cashiers, cafeterias- all weary eyed and yet talking excitedly. Voldermort (or in this case Bush and his republican regime) is at an end. Better times are coming.


And so we hope- as is the new motto of this neo-democratic party- that things will improve. I noticed today that the rest of the world seems as excited about the choice we made as I am. Foreign presidents and dignitaries raved. Barack Obama made the front page of almost every paper all over the GLOBE today. Finally a ray of light in America. America wants change.

If anyone traveled outside the US in the past 8 years (or read a paper) you understand the negative view the rest of the world had on us. We did not lead by example or embrace what a superpower should. Today I heard the heads of state from almost every European nation endorse the president elect. In Kenya- they danced in the streets.

More impressive was the speech last night given to hundreds of thousands of people gathered in Chicago. We passed power over peacefully, with dignity, and got a record number of people not only interested and educated about our election- but to the polls.

This is two orders of business complete and the man is not even sworn in yet. Just in name he has mended a lot of the foreign hurt done by the Bush administration. Other countries are excited about us, looking up to us as a progressive nation again. And he brought millions of people out to the polls- several first time voters- making all of those people invested in their country. And an invested citizen is a better citizen. We are already a stronger nation because of yesterday and the Obama campaigns ability to organize and inspire.

Race did not help him- but more surprisingly it did not hurt him. He is not just a black man- he is a man with good ideas regardless of his race. And unfortunately those who believe he was elected because he is African-American, or think he is still a dangerous secret Muslim terrorist- will never think otherwise- as clearly these people at this point are not open-minded enough to see the good that has been done for us as a Nation in 24 hours, regardless of his politics.

So come January starts his real work. Time will tell how he does. But in the first 24hrs- I still have to say- to me he is the boy who lived.