Friday, May 6, 2011

High Heels got you Down?



Spring has sprung, and so have the high heels, open toes, and strappy sandals for women and light loafered men everywhere. So- a quick post to clue in the clueless.

You should not rock the open toe stiletto if:

1. You are over 55 years and you look it. Honey, the glory days have gone bye bye. And I get it, it sucks. And I know looking at you, and your varicose veins and your sagging skin that lost all elasticity that someday, I will be in your boat. But do us all a favor, accept your age and place in life and slip on some Dr. Scholls and let us take it from here. Every spring has a winter.

2. You are in the ballpark of 300-350lbs. Have you ever seen way too much ice cream piled on top of a thin little sugar cone? Your first thought is always “damn, that shit is going to topple over”. …That might be enough said there.

3. Your toe-nails look like something you would find on a creature in Middle Earth. There is really no need for humans to have talons. Ladies, trim that shit. And keep in mind your pedicure is always at least 5 feet away- so slap some paint on those babies if you can’t make it in for a pedi. Having said that- make it in for a pedi! Everyone feels better after a soak and sluff and you are no different.

4. When you wear heels, you walk as though you just got slammed up the ass by a stallion stud horse. Yeah, there is no ladylike or delicate way to say this, because that is exactly what it looks like. It’s like this: shoulders back, move the hips, strike at the ball of the foot, and walk like you mean it. If you cannot do that, these are not the shoes for you. I can’t wear a size 2…you can’t wear a stiletto. Life sucks sometimes.

5. You failed to shave…for the better part of a month. People are looking. After they notice, they tell their friends. You know that feeling you get that everyone is talking about you? They are. Take a razor to your gorilla leg. And if you have to question it- wear pants.

6. You are at a sporting event, a picnic, an outing, or something else casual in which heels would be grossly inappropriate. Say it with me Carrie Bradshaw- Flip Flops. Nobody thinks you look cute here. People are either wondering what is wrong with you, or they are feeling bad for you. Women think you look dumb and kind of slutty. Men think you are dumb….and, well, kind of slutty. Essentially you look dumb and slutty. Now, if that is the look you are going for- by all means- forge ahead. If not, switch it on up.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The Tainted Saint (haha...taint)





With the fastest beautification of an individual in modern times occurring this week, it makes me wonder about saints in general. Most of the ones I am familiar with are ancient relics in the Christian tradition. They are prayed to for their particular strengths and will guide you through your life.




I used to think of the saints as God’s assistant managers…Potentially at a company called Heaven, Inc. God is a busy dude, as are most CEO’s. The saints are dispatched because he is probably working on bigger things in the global infrastructure. It makes sense from an organizational standpoint. “Christopher, you have the transportation division.” “Anthony, you are now the VP of the lost and found department.” “Frances, handle livestock…but don’t let me catch you again with those sheep…”




But do saints have a dark side? Pope John Paul II is being hi-fived for his work on trying to unify all religions. To some he was a religious beacon. And a major point of achievement being discussed was his acts of repentment of the Catholic Church for the errors and horrors committed through centuries.




Through the centuries? Would that include the 20th? How is the Catholic Church SERIOUSLY ignoring the fact that under this pope, pedophiles who were and are rampant among the priesthood were shuffled around like a deck of cards. The current pope Benedict stated that John Paul was placed on the fast track to saint hood because of the “extraordinary sanctity of his life”.




This is where the Catholic Church kills me. It would be funny if it were not so disturbing and sad. To me, this is yet another example in piss poor communications and zero acknowledgement of wrong-doing that has been tearing the Catholics apart since the break of this scandal. And what an incredible slap in the face to the abuse victims that we are now sainting the man who not only knew about the problem, but contributed to it and had beyond the power to put an end to it.




I am aware this is getting a bit “ranty” (yes, it’s a word). But accountability is not about placing blame. Accountability is about accepting and admitting mistakes and learning from them to ensure they will not happen again. My outrage comes from the fact that the Catholic Church continually and brazenly likes to move beyond the problem, dodge the question, avoid the apology, and remain superior. They are the classic school bully that gets his ass kicked and still tries to terrorize students. Nobody is scared anymore. You are off the pedestal. They dropped a house on you. Be humble, be sorry, show true remorse, and stop being a dick.




Next up for canonization: Jeffrey Dahmer, the unibomber, and the executive team from Enron.